The (Not So) Amazing Race

There are very few people who can get me to do outrageous things, but I do have one friend (we will call him Triple M) who has this knack for talking me in to doing some of the craziest things at the craziest times.  I was recently in DC for a national conference and was looking forward to winding the evening down at a reception and partaking of some libation.  However, Triple M had other plans for me this evening.  My cell phone rings and Triple M says, “let’s represent our region in the TRIO DC version of the Amazing Race.”  Of course, I say “no way” as I am dressed in a shirt, tie, vest, and dress shoes.  However, Triple M is relentless and does not give up.  I finally say, “Sure, I will do it if TCG (another friend) participates.”  Now, at this point I am certain that I have an “out” because I just know that in my heart of hearts, TCG is going to say No!  However, TCG does what I do and says to Triple M that if Rod participates then so will he.  Triple M tells TCG that Rod is in and so begins our jaunt. 

As I go to pay my entrance fee, the woman in charge states that it is too late.  Well Darn! “Too bad Triple M” I say a little too jovially.  “We gave it a shot.”  As I was about to walk out and head to the reception (with a smile plastered on my face) the woman then says, “If you really want to participate we will let you in the race this time.” Really lady? Seriously?  You had just given me an out and as quickly as you had given it, you turn and snatch the last vestige of hope that I had of not completing this race.  Dang!

We needed a team name so we decided to call ourselves SAEOPP GQ as we were the only fools…I mean fellows dressed in shirts, ties, bow-ties, suit jackets and dress shoes.  Of course the other teams are prepared and they have on proper racing attire.

The race starts and we begin to race around the city…well…we begin to walk fast around the city is more like it.  I immediately find that I am seriously out of shape (although just looking in the mirror told me this, but I was in a bit of denial).  The hills in DC are killing me and I blame my shuffling along on the fact that I am wearing business attire and that my underwear is beginning to ride up into the nether regions of my posterior, when in reality, even if I were butt-naked performing this race I still would have been panting.  After reading all of the clues, we realize that we have to attempt to collect five business cards from strangers in DC.  Now, as a native New Yorker I know what it’s like to be cynical and ignore crazy people who come up to you asking for weird things; however, I am usually the one walking hurriedly avoiding the people who are asking for whatever it is that they want.  This time the roles had changed and I was the one stopping strangers and asking for a business card.  Now, picture this…three black men in business suits are running up to strangers and asking them for business cards.  One man was so afraid that he hurried along his partner (a woman who was actually searching for a card to give us) and then gave us a dirty look.  Really sir! Seriously?  Now what were we going to do with your business cards?  Send you email blasts or perhaps perform crank calls? At this point, I am livid that people will still not talk to us even in business attire.  However, I think that we did a great job of explaining that we were in a race and needed the cards to win the race. (Well Triple M did a great job of explaining it--- after a while TCG and I started quoting the infamous Ceelo Greene song, the title of which I cannot specify in this family oriented blog).  Apparently many people in DC thought that this was a ludicrous idea because obtaining these cards from strangers was one of the hardest challenges to complete.  The hardest challenge by far though was mastering the various hills from post to post.  Well, after a while it was obvious to my team mates that I was indeed the weakest link (as I was constantly falling behind and panting like a German Shepherd), so one of them bid us goodbye.  TCG mentioned that he had a previous engagement and had to leave (likely story), so it was just Triple M and me holding up the SAEOPP GQ name.  Of course, TCG wound up leaving us and going to eat at Ruth Chris’s Steakhouse for dinner and then he got to tour DC in a limo, but I’m not bitter (at least not much).

As we are heading to the last two legs of the race Triple M must have gotten his second and third wind because he actually left me behind.  After about three minutes of walking at a giant’s pace (he has very long legs) he realizes that I am not beside him and then looks back and ask me the dumbest question of the evening, “Rod, are you ok?” As I hold my side panting, praying for cars to come through the cross walk, hoping that the sign reads “Don’t Walk” so that I can catch my breath, I wheeze, “I’m fine!”  Now this was nothing but bravado and macho pride on my part, because fine was what I was not!  I wanted to drop kick Triple M in his throat right about then, but then I thought about all of the enemies that I would have if I did that because Triple M is a really cool guy and a great friend to many and I thought about how much bigger he was than me, and since I was lacking air he would have given me a good thrashing. And truthfully, I was too tired to lift my feet up that high to even attempt a drop kick.  Besides, it was not his fault that I was in need of an oxygen mask. We finally finished the race in fifth place, beating 13 other teams.  I was never so happy to be finished with a task in my life.  This jaunt with Triple M taught me a couple of things. First, always be prepared for the task at hand.  Running through the streets of DC would have been easier if I had on the proper gear. Secondly, never let a person talk you into something that you know is a terrible idea, no matter how much of a friend he or she may be; and finally, if you agree to do something this crazy, make sure that like TCG, you have a way out and then enjoy the rest of the evening on someone else’s tab.  Even though this task was a killer, I still had fun completing it with two of the coolest guys I know.  Thanks Triple M and TCG.  And remember dear reader, always look for the funny!