The Great Pumpkin Caper

Everyone who knows me knows that I love practical jokes (especially if I am the one who is the mastermind of the joke) and when I get a joke or prank in mind, I have been known to take it to the extreme (but in a good way).  One prank that comes to mind, which is one of my all time favorite pranks, involves the annual pumpkin carving contest that we have at my place of employment.  The first year that this particular contest was introduced, three co-workers of mine and I decided to participate and compete.

Well, I am a very competitive person and it just so happens that there is this one woman (we will call her River) who is just as competitive as I am and always seems to be pitted against me in these types of activities.  So when the two of us get together, we have the tendency to embark in braggadocio regarding who is better in the activity in question.  So, as you can imagine River had a squad of pumpkin carvers and I had mine.  Now what makes this story funnier is the fact that I happened to be teamed with three of the most laid back people on the face of the planet and even though time was steadily ticking by, we had yet to meet or discuss what our entry was going to be.  Yet, every time I ran into River, I continued to tell her how great our carving was going to be and how much I was going to enjoy watching them take second place behind my team.  Well of course River gave as good as she got and she insisted that she and her team had the winning carving. 

One day, when my team had finally met to discuss what we were going to create, I had the brilliant idea of hatching a little practical joke and shared it with my team mates, who were immediately on board.  I decided to ask a friend of mine (who we will call Carl) to “mistakenly” contact River and play the part of an irate businessman who was waiting on his money for a service that he provided to my team.  In the course of the phone call, Carl was to let slip that he was a professional pumpkin carver and that he was ready to ship our pumpkin to us but had yet to receive the money from our team to complete the transaction.   Needless to say, Carl delivered all of this and more in his phone conversation with River.  In fact, he deserved an Academy Award for his performance. 

Meanwhile back at the restaurant, our team knew that this prank was happening while we were all conveniently at lunch and we were just awaiting the phone call from Carl to say that he had completed the task.  When Carl finally called and told us that the deed was done we then made sure to walk into River’s lair.  We were not disappointed!

We were met with a group of screaming team members who shouted at us that we were unethical for hiring professionals for a local contest.  Of course, my teammates and I played the role of innocents and continually asked “What are you talking about?”  After about ten minutes of this, I finally stated something like, “Where in the rules did it state that we could not hire a professional?”  It took every ounce of my being to remain in that moment and not guffaw at the culpability of my co-workers who actually thought that we paid money for a professional pumpkin carving.  Really co-workers?  Seriously?  I do not know about you all, but I have better things to do with my money.

Of course this did not stop us from milking this particular prank for three days.  I would constantly go by River’s office (even though our offices were no where near each other) to taunt her about how her pumpkin was going to lose and she would always retort, “At least we didn’t need to hire somebody to carve our pumpkin.”  I would accuse her of being jealous that she didn’t think of it and go back to my office.  Oh how good life was for those couple of days!

Finally, the day arrived and it was time to unveil our carving.  So what did my team submit?  We submitted a pumpkin-carved wedding cake complete with a pumpkin-carved groom.  Needless to say, the thought was original, but the carving was terrible!  I looked toward the table at what River and her team created and they had created the carriage from Cinderella and it was beautiful!  Clearly, much time and effort were spent honing it and ensuring that it was just right.  When River and her team looked at our carving, one of her teammates replied, “Y’all spent money on that?”  It was at that point (after I could catch my breath from laughing so hard) that I had to tell them that it was all a joke and that we did not pay a person to carve our pumpkin.  The looks on their faces is one that I will never forget. 

I love it when one creates a practical joke and the recipient of the joke finally realizes that they have been had.  I must admit that this was one of the best.

So which team won the pumpkin carving contest?  Neither.  In the end the winner of the competition was a team that had created a hamburger and used the pumpkin shell and seeds to create the bun.  So while River and I were battling each other, another team came through and took the crown.  Oh well!  That’s how the game goes at times.  Goodbye until next time dear reader and remember to always look for the funny!

The Wonder (when they’re leaving the house) Years

I remember when Cathy and I first got married we had many family members and close friends asking us constantly, “So when are you going to have kids?” My usual response to this was, “Why would we want some goats?” And yeah, the look that you are giving me reading this response is usually the look that I received from them.  When they wouldn’t give up we would respond by saying that we wanted at least three years to ourselves before we started a family.  And we stuck to that.  In our third year of marriage, we decided that it was time, but fate played a different role.  We were given news that it may be extremely difficult to have children and we may need to look at other measures.  However, two years after getting this news we were blessed with our first born Camryn (“CC”).  Now personally, I was content to have just one child, but Cathy insisted on having a sibling for CC.  Since it really was fun working on this particular project, I did not put up much of an argument and four years later our second daughter, Lorin, arrived.  Now at this time, both Cathy and I were certain that we were through.  But three years later, to our surprise, we found out that we were expecting a third child. (Must have been all of that eggnog during the period of Thanksgiving and Christmas that made us a little bit amorous, but I digress).  And in September of 2007, we brought our son Kendall home. 
Now Cathy and I love our children, but they can be a bit taxing especially when one of us is out of town and has to do the pick-up and drop-off for three different schools, but I think we have this down.  At times, the children can have a smart mouth, but I blame myself for this.  I love words and when my kids were extremely young (like still within their first year of life) if you really wanted to tick me off, come up to the child and start talking gibberish baby talk.  This would send me through the roof.  You know what I’m talking about.  People who come up to a baby and in a high pitched voice say asinine things like “oh, coochie coochie, look at the baby, umm goolie goolie.” Really grown people, seriously? I wanted to slap them and I would ask them to stop and speak to the baby in a normal voice because English is our native tongue.  I got a few nasty looks, but this is one on which Cathy actually agreed with me.  Besides, if my wife and I are standing right there and we have no clue what you are saying, what makes you think that my baby understands that crap that you are espousing?  And to this day, no one can ever say that our children do not know how to express themselves and this leads me to this week’s episode . . . starring the baby boy of the family.

One day, Kendall’s uncle called him to say hello.  Kendall is somewhat spoiled because on his mother’s side he is the first grandson in her family.  They have great grandsons in the family, but he is the first grandson, so his uncle really has a special uncle-nephew bond with him.  However, what Kendall’s uncle did not realize was that he chose to call while Dora the Explorer was on, and she (Dora) had just called for the map.(Those of you who have kids who watch Dora know what I’m talking about; those of you who don’t, just trust me when I say kids don’t want to miss this song)  Cathy calls to her lone male child (at least I think he’s the only one, who knows for sure) and says “Kendall, Uncle’s on the phone.”  Kendall briefly looks at the phone and then looks back at the television.  He decides to do a quick phone hello, so he goes to his mom and grabs the phone and quickly says “Hello” and answers three questions with a monotone “Yes” and then quickly hands the phone back to his mom and commences to watch Dora.  Cathy then speaks to “Uncle” and I hear her say “oh.” So she says, “Kendall, Uncle wasn’t finished talking to you. He’s still on the phone.”  My four year old son, without turning away from the television says, “I cannot be bothered right now.” 
There are times when I am extremely upset to witness some of the things that my children say and do, but this was one incident that I was thankful to be around to hear for myself (and even writing this down does not do it justice) because it was so funny to me to hear those words come from a four year old. Now Cathy and I have a rule about not laughing at something funny that one of the children says because we feel that it encourages them to continue the behavior.  And we usually tag team to explain to the child why what he or she said was not appropriate, but for this incident Cathy was on her own because I ran into the kitchen and guffawed.  If you do not believe that children listen to everything that you say, even when you think they aren’t, this proves it.  I cannot tell you how many times I have heard Cathy speaking on the phone and saying those same words or some derivative thereof.
Needless to say, Kendall could not be so bothered and did not go back to the phone.  Even Cathy had to laugh at this comment.  So dear reader I look forward to sharing with you the next funny episode that occurs with my children.  I’m sure the next one will star Lorin.  I’m very happy that my children are smart, well adjusted and can communicate well.  I am also enjoying them very much, but I am also looking forward to the day (and I hate to even put this print) when they leave the house, get their degrees, get married and have children who act just like them!  Goodbye until next time dear reader and remember to always look for the funny.

The (Not So) Amazing Race

There are very few people who can get me to do outrageous things, but I do have one friend (we will call him Triple M) who has this knack for talking me in to doing some of the craziest things at the craziest times.  I was recently in DC for a national conference and was looking forward to winding the evening down at a reception and partaking of some libation.  However, Triple M had other plans for me this evening.  My cell phone rings and Triple M says, “let’s represent our region in the TRIO DC version of the Amazing Race.”  Of course, I say “no way” as I am dressed in a shirt, tie, vest, and dress shoes.  However, Triple M is relentless and does not give up.  I finally say, “Sure, I will do it if TCG (another friend) participates.”  Now, at this point I am certain that I have an “out” because I just know that in my heart of hearts, TCG is going to say No!  However, TCG does what I do and says to Triple M that if Rod participates then so will he.  Triple M tells TCG that Rod is in and so begins our jaunt. 

As I go to pay my entrance fee, the woman in charge states that it is too late.  Well Darn! “Too bad Triple M” I say a little too jovially.  “We gave it a shot.”  As I was about to walk out and head to the reception (with a smile plastered on my face) the woman then says, “If you really want to participate we will let you in the race this time.” Really lady? Seriously?  You had just given me an out and as quickly as you had given it, you turn and snatch the last vestige of hope that I had of not completing this race.  Dang!

We needed a team name so we decided to call ourselves SAEOPP GQ as we were the only fools…I mean fellows dressed in shirts, ties, bow-ties, suit jackets and dress shoes.  Of course the other teams are prepared and they have on proper racing attire.

The race starts and we begin to race around the city…well…we begin to walk fast around the city is more like it.  I immediately find that I am seriously out of shape (although just looking in the mirror told me this, but I was in a bit of denial).  The hills in DC are killing me and I blame my shuffling along on the fact that I am wearing business attire and that my underwear is beginning to ride up into the nether regions of my posterior, when in reality, even if I were butt-naked performing this race I still would have been panting.  After reading all of the clues, we realize that we have to attempt to collect five business cards from strangers in DC.  Now, as a native New Yorker I know what it’s like to be cynical and ignore crazy people who come up to you asking for weird things; however, I am usually the one walking hurriedly avoiding the people who are asking for whatever it is that they want.  This time the roles had changed and I was the one stopping strangers and asking for a business card.  Now, picture this…three black men in business suits are running up to strangers and asking them for business cards.  One man was so afraid that he hurried along his partner (a woman who was actually searching for a card to give us) and then gave us a dirty look.  Really sir! Seriously?  Now what were we going to do with your business cards?  Send you email blasts or perhaps perform crank calls? At this point, I am livid that people will still not talk to us even in business attire.  However, I think that we did a great job of explaining that we were in a race and needed the cards to win the race. (Well Triple M did a great job of explaining it--- after a while TCG and I started quoting the infamous Ceelo Greene song, the title of which I cannot specify in this family oriented blog).  Apparently many people in DC thought that this was a ludicrous idea because obtaining these cards from strangers was one of the hardest challenges to complete.  The hardest challenge by far though was mastering the various hills from post to post.  Well, after a while it was obvious to my team mates that I was indeed the weakest link (as I was constantly falling behind and panting like a German Shepherd), so one of them bid us goodbye.  TCG mentioned that he had a previous engagement and had to leave (likely story), so it was just Triple M and me holding up the SAEOPP GQ name.  Of course, TCG wound up leaving us and going to eat at Ruth Chris’s Steakhouse for dinner and then he got to tour DC in a limo, but I’m not bitter (at least not much).

As we are heading to the last two legs of the race Triple M must have gotten his second and third wind because he actually left me behind.  After about three minutes of walking at a giant’s pace (he has very long legs) he realizes that I am not beside him and then looks back and ask me the dumbest question of the evening, “Rod, are you ok?” As I hold my side panting, praying for cars to come through the cross walk, hoping that the sign reads “Don’t Walk” so that I can catch my breath, I wheeze, “I’m fine!”  Now this was nothing but bravado and macho pride on my part, because fine was what I was not!  I wanted to drop kick Triple M in his throat right about then, but then I thought about all of the enemies that I would have if I did that because Triple M is a really cool guy and a great friend to many and I thought about how much bigger he was than me, and since I was lacking air he would have given me a good thrashing. And truthfully, I was too tired to lift my feet up that high to even attempt a drop kick.  Besides, it was not his fault that I was in need of an oxygen mask. We finally finished the race in fifth place, beating 13 other teams.  I was never so happy to be finished with a task in my life.  This jaunt with Triple M taught me a couple of things. First, always be prepared for the task at hand.  Running through the streets of DC would have been easier if I had on the proper gear. Secondly, never let a person talk you into something that you know is a terrible idea, no matter how much of a friend he or she may be; and finally, if you agree to do something this crazy, make sure that like TCG, you have a way out and then enjoy the rest of the evening on someone else’s tab.  Even though this task was a killer, I still had fun completing it with two of the coolest guys I know.  Thanks Triple M and TCG.  And remember dear reader, always look for the funny!